Editing for Conciseness and Clarity in an ESL Writing Class
Ted Knoy
tedaknoy@ms11.hinet.net
http://www.chineseowl.idv.tw
National Tsing Hua University (Taiwan)
Abstract
This article describes how ESL writers can
acquire basic copyediting skills through the identification
of areas of their writing which lack conciseness and clarity.
Despite the increasing number of non-native English speaking
authors submitting to international journals, manuscripts
continue to be rejected. This is often due to the poor quality
of written English contained within the articles, which in
turn can be attributed to the absence of copyediting skills
taught in ESL writing classes. More specifically, journal
editors and reviewers often cite the writer's inability to
(a) succinctly express his or her meaning (conciseness) and
(b) ensure that the intended meaning is not misconstrued through
the omission of ambiguity and obscurity (clarity) . Familiarization
with the Microsoft Word editing feature or manual copyediting
skills ensures efficiency. Based on these concerns, technical
writing class assignments at the Department of Computer Science,
National Tsing Hua University (Taiwan) are also described.
How to edit: a mouse or a red pen?
A computer mouse and a red pen both
have copyediting advantages . While using a mouse may be a
faster way to make and incorporate corrections into the final
text than using a red pen, some editors still prefer to usea
red pen. This is especially true when formats are used that
do not contain the convenient editing function or when the
author is not receptive to using such an editing function.
When deciding upon a correction method, the
editor should prioritize quality (i.e., the level of detailed
editing) and efficiency (i.e., time spent editing the text).
Therefore, students learning copyediting skills should be
taught both methods.
Original
A simple modification of these notions was made by Smith et
al. for determination of the constructs.
Revised
Smith simply modified these notions to determine the constructs.
Revised with a mouse
Smith et al.
A simpley
modifiedcation of
these notions was made by Smith et al. ftor
determineation of
the constructs.
Revised with a red pen
Original
For determination of the optimum conditions for the nominal-the-best
robust design problems, this work is conducted
to develop a simple procedure to do so.
Revised
This work develops a simple procedure to determine the optimum
conditions for the nominal-the-best robust design problems.
Revised with a mouse
This work develops a simple procedure tFor
determineation of
the optimum conditions for the nominal-the-best robust design
problems, this work is conducted to develop
a simple procedure to do so.
Revised with a pen
Original
A continuous change of flexible manufacturing systems in a
dynamic environment occurs.
Revised
Flexible manufacturing systems continuously change in a dynamic
environment.
Revised with a mouse
A continuous change of fFlexible
manufacturing systems continuously change
in a dynamic environment occurs.
Revised with a pen
Copyediting suggestions for ESL writers
A. Conciseness
- Use active voice frequently
A simple way to delete the length
of a sentence and make it direct at the same time is to
frequently use the active voice. Switching from passive
voice to active voice often makes a sentence more direct,
concise and persuasive. Whereas sentences using passive
voice tend to be wordy or indecisive, sentences utilizing
active voice make the technical document more immediate
and concise. Consider the following examples:
Original
Modification of the heuristics was made by Lacksonen and
Enscore (1993) to solve the dynamic layout problem.
Revised
Lacksonen and Enscore(1993) modified the heuristics to solve
the dynamic layout problem.
Original
Precise measurement of neural networks by practitioners
is
a heavy emphasis of computer vision systems.
Revised
Computer vision systems heavily emphasize that practitioners
precisely measure computer vision systems.
Original
The manager can be assisted by the proposed model so that
the order size can be precisely determined.
Revised
The proposed model can assist the manager in precisely determining
the order size.
Original
Objective assessment of the workplace is required by the
supervisor.
Revised
The supervisor must objectively assess the workplace.
- Use verbs instead of nouns
Wordiness also comes from creating
nouns out of verbs (known as nominalizations), subsequently
This tendency leads to weak verbs. In addition, overuse
of nouns instead of verbs also creates needless prepositions.
Consider the following examples:
Original
Difficulty is encountered in explanation of the method to
inexperienced engineers owing to its computational complexity.
Revised
Explaining the method to inexperienced engineers is difficult
owing to its computational complexity.
Original
Knowledge of how the variables are distributed is not required
by novice engineers
Revised
Novice engineers do not need to know how the variables are
distributed.
Original
Not only is the variability of the control factors considered
by the proposed procedure, but implementation of related
tasks is performed.
Revised
In addition to considering the variability of the control
factors, the proposed procedure implements related tasks.
Original
Normalization of operations is achieved by a simple calculation
of the scores.
Revised
Simply calculating the scores normalizes operations.
- Create strong verbs
Some verbs are weak in that they do
not express a specific action. In contrast to using such
weak verbs, a writer should use strong verbs such as
is, are, was, were, has, give, make, come and take
that imply a clear action. Consider the following examples:
Original
The guideline makes it specific that all parties will be
notified by the proper authorities when a problem arises.
Revised
The guideline specifies that the proper authorities will
notify all parties when a problem arises.
Original
The different groups have to reach an agreement on how to
make an
adjustment of the figures.
Revised
The different groups must agree on how to adjust the figures.
Original
The machine operator conducts transportation of the auto
parts to the assembly line.
Revised
The machine operator transports the auto parts to the assembly
line.
Original
The machine operator conducts transportation of the auto
parts to the assembly line.
Revised
The machine operator transports the auto parts to the assembly
line.
- Avoid sentences beginning with It
and There
Another form of wordiness and ambiguity is sentences beginning
with There and It. Unless It refers
to a specific noun in the previous sentence, omit It
is entirely. Consider the following examples:
Original
There can be little doubt that ink jet printers have a higher
per-page cost than laser printers.
Revised
Ink jet printers undoubtedly have a higher per-page cost
than laser printers.
Original
It is important to develop a more effective approach to
solve the complicated problem.
Revised
A more effective approach must be developed to solve the
complicated problem.
Original
There is increasing evidence that supports the role of protein
in prolonging life.
Revised
Increasing evidence supports the role of protein in prolonging
life.
Original
It is necessary to examine exactly how nutrition affects
growth.
Revised
Exactly how nutrition affects growth must be examined.
- Delete redundant and needless phrases.
Many technical documents are cluttered with redundant or
needless phrases that can be either deleted entirely or
expressed more simply. The writer should try to avoid needless
and redundant words and phrases that only make the sentence
lengthy. Consider the following examples:
Original
It is recommended by us that the trackball be selected on
the occasion of purchasing a user interface device of this
type.
Revised
We recommend selecting the trackball when purchasing a user
interface device of this type.
Original
The trackball is deficient of the mobility that a mouse
has despite the fact that the trackball requires less hand
movement than the mouse.
Revised
The trackball lacks the mobility of a mouse although the
former requires less hand movement than the latter.
Original
The web browser in all cases gives consideration to the
user's needs in a situation in which he or she is away from
the office.
Revised
The web browser always considers the user's needs when he
or she is away from the office.
B. Clarity
- Ensure subject and verb agreement
Subject and verb disagreement not
only creates confusion over how many people, places or objects
are involved, but also gives the sentence a faulty logic.
A major reason for subject-verb disagreement is failing
to recognize the subject and the verb. Consider the following
examples:
Original
Either the collected data set or two additional outputs
was used to construct a neural network model.
Revised
Either the collected data set or two additional outputs
were used to construct a neural network model.
Original
The research assistant and the doctoral candidate are the
same person.
Revised
The research assistant and the doctoral candidate is the
same person.
Original
Physics make most first year doctoral students nervous.
Revised
Physics makes most first year doctoral students nervous.
Original
The acoustics in the auditorium is excellent.
Revised
The acoustics in the auditorium are excellent.
- Ensure that pronoun references are
clear in meaning
Readers become confused when the sentences
they are reading contain pronouns that do not have a clear
antecedent. An antecedent is what a pronoun is referring
to. Many problems can arise when a pronoun does not refer
to a clear antecedent. Consider the following examples:
Original
When a decision reaches the final stage, it must be implemented
promptly.
Revised
When reaching the final stage, a decision must be implemented
promptly.
Or
A decision must be implemented promptly when reaching the
final stage.
Original
No adjustment factors exist if (C1) is violated, which implies
that the
transformation approach can be implemented.
Revised
The fact that no adjustment factors exist if (C1) is violated
implies that the transformation approach can be implemented.
Or
No adjustment factors exist if (C1) is violated, implying
that the transformation approach can be implemented.
Or
No adjustment factors exist if (C1) is violated; this violation
implies that the transformation can be implemented.
Original
Driving a car and talking on a cellular phone at the same
time is dangerous; this could cause an accident.
Revised
Driving a car and talking on a cellular phone at the same
time is dangerous; this habit could cause an accident.
- Create sentences parallel in structure
and meaning
Parallelism in writing means that all parts of a sentence
must have a similar construction. Consider the following
examples:
Original
The numerical example concentrates mainly on illustration
of the cases derived in the previous section and demonstrating
the effectiveness of the proposed model.
Revised
The numerical example illustrates the cases derived in the
previous section and demonstrates the effectiveness of the
proposed model.
Original
The committee made a decision to set a new agenda and that
the meeting should be adjourned.
Revised
The committee decided to set a new agenda and adjourn the
meeting.
Original
The robust design focuses not only on collecting data accumulated
from the designed experiment, but also that the results
obtained by using Taguchi's two-step procedure are compared.
Revised
The robust design focuses not only on collecting data accumulated
from the designed experiment, but also on comparing the
results obtained by using Taguchi's two-step procedure.
Original
The proposed project is promising, creative, and has innovative
ideas.
Revised
The proposed project is promising, creative, and innovative.
- Eliminate modifier problems
As a word, phrase, or clause, a modifier describes another
word, phrase, or clause. The reader becomes confused when
the modifying clause or phrase is not next to the word it
modifies. This often creates a gap between the author's
intended meaning and what is actually written. Consider
the following examples:
Original
To keep in shape, exercise is a must for an athlete.
Revised
An athlete must exercise to keep in shape.
Original
When an engineer, customer satisfaction should be attempted.
Revised
An engineer should attempt to satisfy the customer.
Original
After simulating a real environment, a consensus was reached.
Revised
After the researchers simulated a real environment, a consensus
was reached.
Original
Being radioactive, the technician handled the materials
with extreme care.
Revised
The technician handled the radioactive materials with extreme
care.
- Double check for faulty comparisons
and omissions
Sentences that contain comparisons that are illogical and
incomplete create further ambiguity in technical writing.
Editors must also recognize words that have been carelessly
omitted. Consider the following examples:
Original
Our algorithm is more accurate with respect to computational
time.
Revised
Our algorithm is more accurate than conventional ones with
respect to computational time.
Original
The chemistry department cooperates with local industry
more than their department.
Revised
The chemistry department cooperates with local industry
more than their department does.
Original
The novel material is as strong, if not stronger than, available
ones.
Revised
The novel material is as strong as, if not stronger than,
available ones.
Original
The research department's productivity is higher than the
administrative division.
Revised
The research department's productivity is higher than that
of the administrative division.
- Avoid unnecessary shifts in a sentence
Another obstacle to clarity in technical writing is unnecessary
shifts in subject, tense, voice and mood.
Original
Communicators must share a common language or protocol so
that we can easily understand each other.
Revised
Communicators must share a common language or protocol so
that they can easily understand each other.
Original
A computer mouse needs some available workspace and even
the beginning user can operate them with very little difficulty.
Revised
A computer mouse needs some available workspace and even
the beginning user can operate one with very little difficulty.
Original
Execute the program commands and the iteration steps must
be
repeated.
Revised
Execute the program commands and repeat the iteration steps.
Original
The supervisor asked her employees if the assignment was
ready and could it be handed in tomorrow.
Revised
The supervisor asked her employees if the assignment was
ready and could be handed in tomorrow.
Related assignments in an ESL technical writing class
In addition to instructing graduate
students on how to organize research papers and prepare for
publication, the technical writing course (asynchronous distance
learning) offered at the Department of Computer Science, National
Tsing Hua University (Taiwan) stresses the instruction of
basic copyediting skills introduced in the previous section.
As part of their homework, students must complete twenty seven
conciseness-related and twenty eight clarity-related copyediting
exercises.
Conclusion
ESL writers should not be expected to edit a manuscript as
thoroughly as would a native English-speaking editor. However,
basic copyediting skills should be incorporated into ESL writing
curricula to ensure conciseness and clarity. Through this
gradual process, the gap between expectations and ability
can be closed.
References
Knoy, Ted (2000) An
Editing Workbook for Chinese Technical Writers Hsinchu,
Taiwan C Web Technology.
Knoy, Ted Knoy (2000) Advanced Copyediting
Practice for Chinese Technical Writers Hsinchu, Taiwan
C Web Technology.
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